'Bulb Fiction' by Funtin 'Mur'antino!

The title has perfectly nothing at all to do with my post. That is just some stupid name I came up with while working out math, which I thought I would name the film, if I ever could bring together the makers of the 'Scary Movie' series and make a spoof of Quentin's original creation!

It is eerie outside. The imaginary black cat with eyes like burning embers waiting to pounce at every brahmin individual who stays up after 2 'o' clock in the night, continues to haunt me. I guess I'm hallucinating. But I simply could not delay this post any more. It had to come. Solely because the topic I'm about to discuss is a rage among today's youth and children. (And No, it isn't low waist jeans!) and because I badly needed a break from my so called hectic study schedule!..Anyway here goes!...

Disclaimer : The bearer hereby declares that by posting this blog entry he means no harm to any individual living or dead and any cynicism direct or indirect is intended to merely tickle the funny bone and any damage caused is unintentional and purely coincidental.

Though I did provide a disclaimer, for those of you who have amassed enough wealth to override my disclaimer or have renowned criminal lawyers as parents, using which/whom you wish to file a case against me and send me off packing to the Andaman Prisons, I beg for mercy!

Though the chief reason for my sudden visit to Bangalore was to have a study-friendly atmosphere, I really did not get much of it, thanks to the extremely sleep-inducing weather and to the considerate Bangalore Municipality for having built and inaugurated two new malls this year. Citing moronic reasons like having to visit the Apple Centre, to my mother, I made my way to The Forum mall. It was a tuesday and there was'nt the usual bustling crowd, and swept by the wave of boredom I slowly made my way to Landmark. Professional Window shopper that I am, I walked in and directly headed for the books section, and the first book that caught my attention was this - "What will happen in the 7th HP book, The Deathly Hallows" - A Mugglenet publication. A 282 page hardbound paperback edition it is, which the mentally retarded publishers have priced at a whopping 495 bucks!.I do understand that Harry Potter is a craze among the youth but writing a book like this is a little over the edge. I mean, Come on people, Get a life!..Curiosity getting the better of me, I picked up the book, hunted for a cozy corner, found a chair and seated myself.

This book had a contents page with a variety of predictions by millions of HPFs(I guessed Half-witted Prosaic Fools, but the index said 'Harry Potter Fans'!) with sufficient proof to substantiate on the predictions. The publishers have put up a disclaimer too stating that this has nothing to do with the works of J.K.Rowling and is solely the work of spirited HPFs!...Bah!..Believe me, the compiler must suffer from stunted brain growth because he actually knows every single word in every single page of all the previous six books! And he has painfully researched on all the plausible conclusions for the 7th book. He has also taped every single interview of J.K.R and has extensively scrutinised it for any valuable information. I really am assured that he lives at some 221B Baker street or atleast somewhere close by!..He could try working for the CCP!..Veerappan would have fallen prey ages back!..

If only he had applied the same amount of effort on his subject books, I swear he would have given most Harvard professors a run for their money. All that was pardonable, but here is the best part!..I was flipping through random pages and I stumble onto this conclusion - "Why Harry and Ginny would pair up". The proof says " Ginny is an epic name that synchronizes with 'Ginevra' which is the name of the wife of the Great King Arthur. Harry's character represents that of a successful individual like King Arthur who was victorious in all his endeavours and was an icon of bravery. This is mighty proof that Harry and Ginny will unite". For a split second I thought I would fall off my seat with laughter, clutching my tummy. I mean, this is as blasphemous as saying all Pakistan bastmen are high-profile commerce graduates because they have "CA" written on their bat stickers or something of that sort! What is with the world today?..It is a book after all. I think people have surpassed the stage of being fans of HP and have now become fanatics.

Perhaps, they would all unite and form a clan, and fight for their rights. Maybe there would be another clan, say, for the Lord of the Rings. They could fight!...There could be a battle, The Fourth World War!. LOTRF (vs) HPF!... Maybe I could be opportunistic and write a book about it. I could call it, well, " The War of the Words".. Jesus Christ!...My spontaneity is on an all time high!..Let me get a grip on myself!.

I just don't understand how a book could make this colossal an impact!..I feel HP is one of the most over-rated books in the history of fiction. HP has become an addiction now. It might eventually replace Gin and Tonic and maybe even tobacco!..You just can't say!..People might start going around to potti kadais and start asking for HP books. No, that would not be economical!...Maybe pages!...They could ask for 20 pages of one of the 7 editions at say, 20 bucks!..God help me, I sure am high!...

All this is atleast digestible, but while I walk out I see a girl, mid-teens, balancing herself on 'Liberty' stools, who was actually picking out a brand new 500 rupee note to pay for the rotten book!..I told myself that she must be either so filthy stinking rich that even her Porsche's drivers resided at the Malibu Club, or her sanity is up for auction somewhere in the Arabian midlands!...My humble apologies to those who are enraged after reading this post and are waiting to butcher me and put me up for sale under Good-Life Chicken. I cant deny the fact that I do read HP, but I only READ! ..If you are otherwise, and are willing to be a part of the epic war, please provide me with specifics. It would help me enhance the quality of my book and make it an entertaining read!..

- Supermur

What a Blow!...

Oh for Christ's sake, No this is not another of those needless meaningless blogs about the 47 day gala Australian celebration event which I determinedly refuse to address as the 'World' Cup even if you threaten to put the U.S National Army on my very heels!..It is a sheer sin to all mankind to host such an event which would have effectively portrayed a lot more grandeur and magnificence had it just been the Australian National team parading the cricket grounds in regal and aristocratic attire waving their flag and the Cup, while cute adorable little Australian children played under-arm cricket on the Kingston pitch..! It would be a mammoth blunder if I forget to mention the plight of the Indian team, which should be immeasurably glad for having been blessed enough to travel free till the Caribbean and be merry watching the Australian Parade and eating excessively salted Masala Dosai from the Saravana Bhavan branch in eastern Barbados and try to inherit some 'rosham' from it!...Maybe they wanted to return home sooner so that they could stare wide-eyed at their television screens as the highly knowledgeable queen of cricket, Miss.Mandira Bedi sat cross-legged wearin a multi-flagged see through saree that could effortlessly generate blasphemous controversies, as she put forth intellectually sound questions like "Why does Sanath Jayasuriya's bat have a blue colour sticker on it?" to a bewildered Charu Sharma!...But I better pauperize my cynicism because the Indians are untarnished at certain aspects of the game, well atleast at batting and bowling!...Why, Mr.Virendar Sehwag is getting a lot more professional at batting his eyelids as the ball whizzes past him, knocks down the stumps, flattens them out and continues to delightfully embark on its cruise to the boundary line, as he trots back to the pavilion, glad that the ball has somehow reached the fence while he was at the crease, immaterial of whether runs were granted or not !...And the only time I happened to witness the star Mr.Irfan Pathan bowl, he got nine pins in one attempt and a perfect strike in the other!...Hats off, all you humble Indian citizens!....

Spare me a second!...Why am I trying to elaborate on the very topic that I swore not to talk about!..Well, what I intended to talk about was this emphatic accomplishment of mine - I learnt to whistle!...Gone are the days when I had to accompany my friends and watch them gleefuly whistle aloud to 'Pokkiri Pongal' and dance like the world had just been gifted to them in a lovely little cardboard box and they were intoxicated with happiness over becoming Mr.Loser Almighty, while I dormantly sat, murmuring to myself that the only things I lacked were the two ponytails on the sides of my head and a dazzling pink designer skirt!...Because I can whistle now!...(I'm jumping up and down with joy right now, and I hope you dance a jig too on my behalf, because I consider happiness to be an epidemic!)Yet it is true that I presently am striving to complete my portions for my semester exams which commence in a short while, but at times when boredom is at its peak, I tend to blow out some air, and a week back, as I blew out a puff of air, I heard a faint whistle...Not exactly a whistle, but something like a tweet!...And with a lot of sheer determination-driven vigorous practice, I blew out a shrill whistle today morning, and while I was engulfed by happiness, I could practically feel myself floating my way to cloud nine!...

Blessed be my soul, Life is Good!..I should accept the fact that mine is just the mouth whistle and not like the two-fingers-bent one, though I did attempt doing the ghetto one, landed up being futile and eventually concluding that my index finger was slightly saltier than my thumb!...My whistle might not be effectively loud enough to lead the pack of wolves, but I am pretty content that I can atleast join the bandwagon!...The determination to learn came from this embarassing incident where I went for a movie and I heard loud shrieks and deafening whistles from my right and as I turned, I found this not-so-cute-but-I-wouldn't-mind-if-you-said-hi kind of girl whistling in merriment as her neighbour, another similar girl yelled "Tommmmmmmiiieeeee"!..Terrorized by the sound, I scanned the hall as I hastily tried to recollect any established rule banning bushy-haired pomeranian dogs in cinema theatres.(For those of you who wonder how I predetermined the dog to be pomeranian, I have to tell you that such animated names are only given to those breeds!).But to my bliss, Tom Cruise walks onto the wide screen which was facing me, thus clearing all my cruciating doubts!..Though there was some temporary satisfaction, the long term embarassment factor remained!..Which is why I proudly am announcing my accomplishment now!..The joy of success is indefinite, my dear friends!...For those of you who are already maestros at the art of whistling, I take a bow!..And for the rest, I have a trademark wicked smile that I put across my face as I walk back to my untouched Chemistry text!...